I'm pushing. He's asked me not to push, and I'm pushing.
I got horrible news...and yet, I'm not surprised.
I once wrote a poem where I rip my own heart out, I feel like it's happening all over again but it's someone else's hands this time.
I'm single and it feels like dying.
Knowing that he's asked me to leave is pain.
Calling to check on him and it becoming a fight each time is pain.
Hearing him tell me good-bye is pain.
Knowing I can't do anything but pray is pain.
Asking my gods for advice and not taking it is pain.
...Existing is pain...
I fall asleep hoping to hear from him and wake hoping he's called/texted. I know he hurts, I understand that he wants to heal. I hear him when he says it can't happen with me around, but that part I can't seem to understand. Why can't it happen with me? ...because I cause some of the pain?
I had to decide I wanted to heal and then start doing it. I did that with him. The day he proposed I decided that whatever had happened was behind us....we'd move on and anything that needed help - we'd help each other with.
So why not with me?
We didn't marry yet, but is he not my husband anyway? Aren't I supposed to be his support through all things? Shouldn't I be the person he turns to when he hurts, even if I caused it to begin with?
So he left me, after I left him...we are single...I think of myself as his. I think of him as mine. I think of us as we.
My stomach is a pit. It's empty, the emotions are eating each other.
My heart is breaking, and hope keeps pulling the threads shut and telling me to hold on.
My head worries. What if this is it? What if he's gone forever? What if seeing each other becomes something we do just so our child has two parents? What if he never heals? What if he does and doesn't come back? What if he does and it's too late?
I hate everything about this.
All I want is to hear "I love you, please come home."
Listening to: My head scream